Sorrow

How do i come to terms with the loss of a loved one.

Do i feel any less pain because of my lack of a sad expression or inability to shed a tear.

My cousin died yesterday.

His sister gave birth to a beautiful girl the day before.

Appu, Ive loved ever sunday when we'd come to get the better of you and thommen, with tara always there to break up a fight or make sure the toys were equally distributed.

You lived free and with no fear.

Laila and Tommy Uncle..you raised a wonderful son who grew up to be a wonderful and brilliant man.

Thommen and Tara, your brother will always be remembered and all the memories we've shared are permenantly etched into my heart.

I was looking for something that i could use to explain and i came across this

“You can shed tears that he is gone,
or you can smile because he has lived.
You can close your eyes and pray that he'll come back,
or you can open your eyes and see all he's left.
Your heart can be empty because you can't see him,
or you can be full of the love you shared.
You can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday,
or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday.
You can remember only that he is gone,
or you can cherish his memory and let it live on.
You can cry and close your mind,
be empty and turn your back.
Or you can do what he'd want:
smile, open your eyes, love and go on.”

Love you.miss you.will never forget you.

Play

Our hands play.

Its almost like they're both talking to each other.

Its like they both know fully well what the other one wants, tracing their steps backwards, forwards, left and right.Circling around in geometric patters that our minds unconsciously know and follow.

Strange comfort in that moment, so much exchanged in that moment, so much longing in that moment

We stop

We part

We move away.

Peel this

To sit talk and explain what my last 7 months were is for some reason difficult to do. I find myself at most times confused about the range of emotions i felt in such a short time. What started as fondness then moved at a pace that i find difficult explaining to love and then to my mind being pulled by angst, sorry and lowered self esteem to even faster..absolut hate and ultimatley forgivness. What used to burn post this experience and my ressurection after the dust settled is my process. I slowly peel away one layer at a time yet im happy that ive never fully peeled myself to the bones.Im happy that this saucer full of secrets is yet to see its true keeper.

This process is how I choose to let people in...absolut trust, never waivering, rocksteady.

Ive been told that im guarded, but thats untrue. I wear my heart on my sleeve, proud, for all to see. I feel thats its actually very easy to see emotion on this expressionless face if you look close enough. My lack of expression hides so much expression if you only but choose to see.

I choose to trust blindly and unconditionally because i beleive that is the only way you filter in the ones that truly matter and i do that with everyone around me.

I have been burnt, toasted, fired but always gotten up to a new set of experiences and always a welcome addition into my mind. Like someone wise said, you are always surrounded by people that feel they are all close to you, but you cherish the fact that you are close to only a few.

Why give anybody and everybody that pleasure.

A.D.D

Bitter Sweet

My Best and My Worst - II

Lets remember what we shared...i ask
Let me heal...i beg
Let me be....i plead

Numb, expressionless, angry, alone.Ive had my heart ripped and torn. Ive had my trust betrayed. Ive been stabbed in the back so many times that it is now immune to the blade. Its like breathing...you take it for granted. I bleed, the blood dries, I stand up, change and I walk again.

I want a new life, I will have a new life and I will have a beautiful life. Its just a tough road to walk and i slip,i fall, i hurt,i bleed, i cry..but i pull myself up again to start walking again. Its difficult sliding back 3 steps for every one you take...but not impossible.I will share again, I will trust again and I will love again.

I have made peace with the world today.
I have made peace with you today.
I have made peace with the road today.

I will sleep today...

My best and my worst

I reached home only to walk upto a bunch of kids downstairs to ask them for a light and be pleasantly surprised when he passes me a joint. Stoned after a day like today was fresh perspective.

Looks like i always find time to write around this time around. I feel Ive missed out on documenting so many separate chapters in my life since i last wrote. Its depressing in a way that there are so many missing memories that would have stayed fresh had i documented them as and when. I guess which is why i love my phone and this era that we live in so much. Documenting your life is just a point,shoot and upload away. So many people that would have otherwise entered my life and just been a lost photograph or a fading memory, only to walk by one another 20years down not knowing what point in each others lives we were part of. What people fail to realise is the significance of having such memories...good bad happy sad angry frustrating.What we go through and how much we learn.

I'm listening to Kenji Kawai, Japanese music composer extraordinaire and the Ghost in the Shell album. Its what got me out of bed to sit and write this.

Ive been at the giving end most all my life and its been beautiful when that feeling is reciprocated doubly but ive also managed to balance that out with no receiving whatsoever either. I think the point is never being comfortable.

This past month has been quite a blur and grief for so many reasons. A majority of which i had little or nothing to do with. I cant live with grief. Ive been too upbeat all my life and felt drained. Im so happy right now with the way things are going on in my life and where i see myself and the people im with over the course of the year, but at the same time that gets balanced out with a feeling that neither can you hold on to something just past nor are you allowed to move onto to a beautiful future which is unfair as whats past is past. Enough and i put my foot down and to an immense sigh of releif, only to type releif and realise my fingers are moving on auto pilot and thats my sure sign that it time to sleep.Will come back to you later

...Stop this train, I wanna get off and go home again. Cant take the speed its moving in, I know i cant.. (blinks eyes, adds labels, publishes post and is ready to hit the bed faster than a speeding bullet)....thank you sb!